Killing Motivation 18: Decreasing Benfits

Now we all know that its not mandatory for a company to provide medical or dental benefits. They are useful tools to maintain a happy and healthy workforce. They are useful to entice employees to join your workforce and retain existing employees.

Therefore, it would stand to reason that if you wanted to get rid of employees without paying a costly severance you would want to reduce or remove those things that keep them in your buildings. Benefits is one of those things that you can reduce to entice employee to leave. Think of it as constructive dismissal but on a large scale. Other than make their lives a living hell day by day, benefit reduction is a clear signal that employees are unimportant to you, and clutter the halls.

In fact, you can investigate what your employees use the most from benefits in previous years, and specifically reduce them. Lets say you have an aging workforce. It stands to reason that they need things like Chiropractic, massage therapy, and perhaps acupuncture to help their aches and pains and prevent larger issues. So you can decrease those, but, then to add insult to injury, you can increase something they don't use. To twist the knife, state to them that you are re-balancing the benefits package to better suite "most" employees. They will all know it a lie. But your little re-balancing line will be to laugh in their faces and say "fuck you".

They know they have little choice. 

Killing Motivation #17: The Employee Survey Reprise

So we have already talked about the employee survey. But there are more twists and turns than a Andes mountain road, so lets cover one of the more insipid mechanisms.

Say you have a team that responds to the survey. This team is a fun and vivacious team. They are also competent. And they love their team - or so their survey responses indicate.

But they hate the company they work for. Team Yay! Company boo!

Kudos to the manager of that team for making an exciting and engaging work environment for that team. The management chain should celebrate that manager for making a happy team against all odds.

Really?!

No, you should not celebrate that manager. You MUST punish that manager.

Clearly, he or she missed the memo on making your employees miserable. Clearly that manager is going against the carefully thought out plan of mind numbing pointless procedure and air gasping morose.

You must summon that manager to a management meeting and verbally spank that manager in front of their peers.

How else will you demotivate the whole chain.

Killing Motivation #16: When "Voluntary" turnover is your goal

We have all had to listen to those large corporate goals. Someone was paid good money to think up catchy phrases that becomes the "Raison d'Etre" of the company. These large sweeping arcs that describe what you must be striving for in your everyday workaday world. Sometimes they contain a wankfest of over and incorrectly used real worlds such as "ecosystem", "organic", or "DNA".

But how can you use this to demoralize your staff?

Simple.

Announce to your staff the usual set of pointless and soon to be forgotten "mantras". But add one new one near the top of the list. What is the amazing demoralizing mantra?

Voluntary Employee Turnover.

What the....

Yes, this is actually a term used in scholarly articles (eg. http://www.jstor.org/discover/10.2307/256629?uid=3739448&uid=2129&uid=2&uid=70&uid=3737720&uid=4&sid=21104483170497) to describe people wanting to leave an organisation.

If you add this to, say, one of the top three goal of your organization, and you place a desire percentage to that goal what does that tell your employees? How would that make them feel?

Killing Motivation #15: Pointless, Useless, Mandatory Training

If you still have people you want to get rid of without paying the layoff costs, then try this trick - Pointless, Useless, mind numbingly stupid, mandatory training.

There is nothing like a total boring time waster in the middle of deadlines to kill any motivation hiding behind the hippocampus.

Here are some handy steps:

1. Ensure that the training is running on an internal site  that does not really work. Have the training end with a quiz or a button that says "complete", but never works. So then your employees keep getting reminders that they need to complete the training. Forcing them to try and try again. This is also known as Chinese Water Torture.

2.  Ensure that it has nothing to with them, their job, their role, or their line of business. It should have more to do with an ancient insect race living underground on Mars than your intended victim.

3. Ensure that it is extremely boring.

4. Ensure that the presenter has an nail-on-blackboard voice.

5. Ensure that you send repeated reminders, even if they have completed the training.

6. Ensure links to training are broken. Continue to remind them to follow the broken links.

These steps will ensure that your staff is annoyed, remind them that the company is run by chimpanzees, and thoroughly demotivated.

Killing Motivation #14: Motivation from the de-Motivator

We all get those pointless waste of electricity messages that can only be described with on phrase: "Ra-Ra-Zip-Boom-Bah". There is nothing to say. There is no substance. Just a vacuous message that attempts - but always fails - to motivate the plebes who have the sorry misfortune to work there. They tend to congratulate the slacker or the friend or the same cultural, sports, hobby group that the sender shares.

But there is one type of Ra-Ra-Zip-Boom-Bah message that transcends all forms of mental mind spinning.

Its the Ra-Ra-Zip-Boom-Bah message from a well known de-motivator.

You know who the de-motivators are. They are the ones who can suck the air out of a meeting room. The ones who tell you that "you can't swim" when you "walk on water". The one who tell your colleagues nothing when you are in the hospital. The ones that make you question their humanity.

So lets take stock of what we have:

Ra-Ra-Zip-Boom-Bah message.

Check.

De-motivation who crafts and sends Ra-Ra-Zip-Boom-Bah message.

Check.

Why are these two elements so important?

Because the receivers now know that if the de-motivator has to send a motivational Ra-Ra-Zip-Boom-Bah message then things must really be grim.

Beyond hope.

Pathetic.

Killing Motivation #13: The Employee Survey

Why are so many people leaving? Do you care? Of course not. But you want to stem the tide since you are loosing money due to productivity lost by departing disgruntled employees. So what do you do?

You have an employee survey.

Now, don't get me wrong. You really don't care what the results are. What you want to do is show to the remaining knobs (re: suckers) that you "care". You don't care of course but you just need to fool them to think you do and that its worth staying so you can squeeze another pound of flesh from them to meet your quarter/fiscal results so you can profit from the uptick in stock.

So, you create a feel good caring and sharing (the Care Bears where laid off years ago) survey and circular file the results. I am sure you will get a boat load of angst. But again, why should you care? The results are worth less than a conservative voter suppression bill.

But what happens next is the real act (please do not read further if you are eating) . You generate a PR marketing worthy result document on an internal website about how employees feel empowered to help the customer realize their dreams. You gibber on incessantly about how the slaves feel the team spirit in the "New" organisation.  And how we will all achieve success with the "New" organisation.

Has anything changed?

No.

Is the organisation still clueless?

Yes.

But the sheep you still employee may just be fooled to hang around another quarter.

Killing Motivation #12: More Training

So I know I have talked about demoralizing your staff with training games - but the fun is only limited by your capacity for evil.

Here is another trick.

Pretend to give you employees training by getting other employees to share what they know. The design pattern here is called "The Blind Leading the Blind" - or in the case of some three letter corporation "Think".

Let your staff pretend to think they are getting training. I mean really you don't care if they get training or not. What is important is that they "Think" they are getting training. And it costs you nothing.

Killing Motivation #11 - Ignoring your own Advice to Client on Retaining Staff.

Lets say you have a subset of your workforce that is highly specialized. Also,  this is in an area of business that you want to show to your clientel that you have expertise in. How would you demoralize your specialized workforce?

Follow these quick and easy steps.

1. Ignore training. Your highly specialized workforce needs training to be effective and keep up in that ever changing area. They want/need training. Decline all requests for training, no matter how cheap.

2.  Enforce use of Chimp Tools. Force your highly specialized workforce to use stupid and embarrassing tools that you create. Make sure these tools are the laughing stock of the industry. Ensure that your specialized workforce MUST use these tools and that they have to continually apologize and make excuses for these tools. This way, your specialized workforce will be made to feel like chimpanzees operating a vending machine.

 3. Ignore advice. Your specialized staff has good ideas on how to make your products better based on their expertise. Ignore it, no matter how stupid and embarrasing you will look.

4. Webinar to customers on retaining staff yet be clueless in your own implementation. Once you have done all of the above, then have your Specialized Workforce Pimps group webinar your clients on how to retain your specialized staff. Ensure you tell your clients that training your staff is important.

Killing Motivation #10 - Expecting Blood from a Stone

So lets pretend you are on a high profile (and as you are led to believe ) important project. Lets also pretend that this project is on a specific piece of hardware. The hardware is important because it is all powerful. The goal (also lets pretend) is to take existing software and make it work on the fast hardware making the combination of machine and software a delight to the customer.

Did I say the project was important? Let me reiterate. Its important.

But since its on a specific piece of hardware, you would imagine, yes?, that you need that hardware to build on or at the very least, test your delightful software on. No?

So how would you demotivate your team on this important project? Its simple if you follow these  important steps:

1. Only supply one platform what at least two is needed. That way the people on the project are fighting for time/space/sanity.

2. That one box must show up late. So late in fact that the entire team must, absolutely must, spend evenings and weekend to meet a deadline for a beta demo. This overtime would otherwise have been avoided if the specific hardware it required showed up on time.

3. Make additional absurd demands. Late breaking bug shows up in the middle of the night on Sunday. Then expect that bug to be fixed by Monday morning from a team that already worked the weekend to get basic functionality working for a beta candidate which was delayed by 1, and 2 above.

4. Blame the team. Ensure you blame the people on the  team loudly, publicly, and abusively if that issue in 3 is not fixed on Monday morning. Do not consider that items 1 or 2 had anything  to do with beta release time or quality. Ignore the fact that they have been working weekends and evenings because of 1 and 2.

The absurdity of this combination of steps are guaranteed to demotivate your staff.

How you run your business as a warning to others...

Could it be that how you run your business is really a warning to others?

Question: How can you take a $300 piece of third party software, and make it cost thousands?

Answer: Have lawyers quibble over the EULA for days.

Consider the fact that I have used this software for years within the company with no issue. This year happens to be the year of stupid. Or at least more stupid.

They will have to lay off a few more competent westerners to accommodate this  extra legal cost.

Killing Motivation #9: Constant Unneccesary Internal Roadblocks

So it finally happened. I know it had to happen eventually. It was only a matter of time.

What I am referring to is the license blockade.

Do you have a tool that is fundamental to your job? This tool helps you be successful? This tool helps you make a strong and successful product?

Someone, somewhere, eventually will get wind of this success and try to stop you.

Today it was someone from a part of the world known for resume falsification, certification falsification, and generally getting other smarter people to write your exams, telling me that I cannot renew my license because of x, y, or z.

Ignore x, or y, or z, its legal crap. The real reason is that they are attempting to stop your success, motivation, and happiness. Insert relevant Dilbert cartoon here. Motivation and happiness does not equate to shareholder value.

Ignore the fact that I have been using this tool for years. Had it renewed many times.

So, what happens now. Will this be the last straw for me?

Killing Motivation #8: Dead Men Walking

In the vocabulary of demotivation one can never forget the "layoff". Yes, nothing says demotivation like a good lay off. But let us forget demotivation for a moment and really explore how to say "SCREW YOU!!!".

Real pros can really make this meaningful. Lets discuss some of those special techniques.

1. Never call it what it really is. Call it a "Resource Action". Or a "rebalancing". The peasants will only really understand that they are meat for the grinder when you disassociate it from reality. I loved the term "right-sizing" - has a ring to it, like a blocked toilet trying to flush.

2. Layoff despite making a good profit.  Made a "sustainable" profit? But sadly its not obscenely better than last year? Then clearly you have to make your workforce pay. Made 16 billion in profit but not more than the previous year? Then layoff. After all, you are a robot overlord.

2. Layoff experienced older workers. Do you have staff who have given you their all for most of there career? Are they nearing retirement? Remember that a layoff close to retirement really makes it awkward for them. Who is going to hire someone planning to retire? And by screwing them during this gap you can really say!!!" while they are between unemployment insurance and a fixed income.

3. Layoff women just returning from Maternity leave. Make that joyous new family and responsibility a time for doubt, fear, and stress. Despite making a profit you cut them just to show what a class act you are.

And remember, You are a meat Popsicle.

Killing Motivation #7: Flaunt your excesses while cutting benefits

You think your employees are scum? You want to grind them into a pulp? But how to do this and propel your own ego?

Easy peasy. You cut their benefits, lets say cut their sicks days. And make them pay more for the "benefits" they do have.

But that's only half the job.

The other half it to flaunt your excesses and here are some handy tips. After cutting salaries/sick days/oxygen (timing is important) in the office you absolute must:

1. Drive to work in a new flash car and park it in an featured location in the parking lot for all to see. The flash car MUST be a top of the line quality motor. Ferrari would be a good example.

2. Email pictures of the exterior and interior of your palatial home. Flaunted in your new book.

3. When you frequently crash a gazillion dollar vehicle, since they are disposable to you, mount pieces prominently in the office. 

4. Despite customer complaints, refuse to hire additional staff....or even better, say you will and then slowly try not to or create imaginary road blocks.

Nothing says they are "little people" and boosts your own ego more than hitting them in their wallet.

Killing Motivation #6: Constant Unneccessary Change

In my experience a simple productivity killer is to make your employee's work environment behave like Carol's bedroom scene in Poltergeist  

However in this case we are not talking about furniture in the cube farm, we are talking about the computing environment, the tools, the things you need from the local network to do your job.

If that environment is changing on a weekly basis, with new rules, locations, services, and whatever so that you have to relearn and reconfigure everything constantly, then how in Gaia's name are you going to get anything done? You will spend all your time fighting with the environment....or the so-called corporate Poltergeist.

Do you think that maybe, just maybe, you would get sick and tired?

So much that you might want to leave.....oh wait. And if this happen enough then the corporation doesn't have to pay severance because you left of your own volition. 

So this is really a cheap way to lay off the employees you call "little people" without being forced to pay a severance: Make their world such a living hell that they make the move you wanted.

Killing Motivation #5 - Software Building

I don't know what it is, but software developers like to build stuff. Its like a wasting disease. When you are in a small group its pretty easy. But when that group of developers (a gaggle of software developers, a nerd of software developers?) is quite large then centralized build mechanism are "a la mode".

Which is great if you want to demotivate a large group in one fell swoop.

To demotivate en masse you need to create a fragile build environment. The build will fail, daily, and not because a developer made an error, but because the environment that performs that build fails. Fails early......fails often.

And of course, to the sound of a scythe cutting down its victim, the build system will send a message, a form of Dr. Goebbels propaganda, telling everyone that the build failed. It will do this so much that the nerd (plural, as in herd) will suggest that the build system should only send a message when it succeeds, since the obvious default value is #FAIL. 

The build fails, frequently, because of server issues, disk issues (buy cheap small disks that fill up quickly), power issues, and network issues. The list can go on because the de-motivating organization while have missed no chance to miss a chance.

Killing Motivation #4: Bad Toolsets

My Uncle once told me that to help you do the job right, and to do it efficiently, you need to have the right quality tools. He never skimped on the cost of the tools he used and he achieved success in his craft. The result was that he saved several times over the cost of his tools in the time it took him to complete a task. In addition, he had a committed clientele.

By contrast, one clear way to demotivate a worker in any field it to force them to use poor quality tools.

Let say you are too cheap to provide your employees with quality tools. They want to do the job right and they want to do it quickly. So to turn them into frustrated venting sociopaths you must force them to use bad tools.

One good way to do this is to make your own. Some people call this "eating your own dogfood" but you can play with their minds by calling it "drinking your own champagne". What it really is, and you know this, is "eating your own shit". Make sure the staff making those tools are given poor tools, have little resources, and have to sit in broken chairs. Make sure that  this group suffers several layoffs.

Make sure those internal tools are buggy, with user interfaces that would thrill the mentally deranged. Make sure the user interface looks like the cockpit of a Saturn V rocket. Ensure that these tools work and do not work at random times. Also, and this is a special thrill, force your employees to use these tools to complete a task in an aggressive time frame and then make it complex to even get access to the tool.

If its a software tool, make it hard to find to download. Make sure they need an "internal use license" that expires quickly. Also make it near impossible to get that license. Hide access to that license with a web page that you move around or just plain does not work. Do not tell people how to use this site. Provide a link for "support" for the license site in case your staff encounter the inevitable problems - but make sure the link is dead or the support site is even more complex than the site they are seeking support on. If they do happen to have the tenacity to get access to support, that support should deny them any help because they are "internal" and not a paying customer. If they happen to actually get a license, change the procedure each time between license lifetimes so nothing they learned the first time cannot be applied on any subsequent attempt.

You may think that this is random stuff made up from a poorly cast Tim Burton film. But this is exactly what happens where I work.

Killing Motivation #3 - The Wrong Training

Hurrah! You have been allowed to use 40 hours of your working year to training in ....whatever. But then you receive an email saying that you must attend a talk presented by a Toupeyed perfumed gigolo-executive on some Three Letter Acronym (TLA) and this talk counts against your training.

Your training time now has become devalued to that of Canadian Tire Money, or the European equivalent, the Euro.

Not only is the TLA made up, but we are informed that we must be part of our DNA. So we have taken a scientific term based on research, considered scientific opinion, and fact, and reduced it to the level of bullshit. It's a sad, sad day for the human species.

I am  not sure what the colour of the sky is in your world but its not clear to me what I could  possibly learn to make me a better productive contributor than spending hours on a imaginary subject like one of hundreds that the upper floors float like a bad fart in an elevator.

Dignify that email with a special place in the spam folder aaaaaannnnnnndddd ....flush.

Killing Motivation #2 - Training

Nothing tells your employees that you care like investing in them. This is normally in the form of training. Training your employees, sending them to courses, and paying for their courses, tells them that you care about their development, their career, and their place in the organization.

But what if you don't care? What if you think that your employees are merely vessels to drain and then dispose of?

In this case, not paying for training is clearly insufficient. What you need to add is a mind game.

To do this you first of all have to tell your employees at large that you support training and that you will pay for it and that includes trips to far flung exotic places like New Jersey. Then, while the poor suckers look for a course that would be appropriate them to be a better skilled employee in the company you send out an email indicating that there are "internal" and "no cost" mechanisms (like reading a book) that would fulfil the training offer. Even better, suggest they spend an hour googling some subject. If they attempt to request a course then deny it, claiming their is no budget.

Nothing says "We don't give a shit" like a good mind game.

Killing Motivation

Do you have a well motivated and competent staff? Are they coming up with new and innovative ideas regularly? Is your quality and productivity high?

Then clearly, you do not have enough rules, procedures, and lawyers.

Step 1 Conformance
Enforce conformance. Doesn't matter if its a government standard, or even your own governments standard, make conformance to ALL of them mandatory even if it makes no  sense.

Can't find a protocol or procedure of your own? Make one up.

To help the process, make believe a standard does things it doesn't. Claim FIPS 140 will protect you.

Ensure that your staff spends every waking hour at work investigating, changing, and working on conformance. This mind numbing pointless work will ensure you are well on your way to killing your deadline and demotivating your staff.

Hire more lawyers to keep that hamster running in that wheel.

Stay tuned for the next instalment...